Writing

I hope you could make it the way she wants. Her cooments are below

Your opening is much better and focuses on the headband you wear to honor your Shi’ah faith. From the bottom of p. 1 to the top of p. 5, you really went too in-depth into history, rather than focus on the headband…but I understand you are thorough and want to explain it’s significance through the man it honors. But the history is over done. Synopsize the history in two paragraphs for a paper of this scope.

On p. 5, I thought you really captures the significance of the headband. On p. 6, you broaden the scope of your headband in a brief comparison with the crown of thorns in the Christian faith. That one paragraph doesn’t really satisfy the “broader significance” requirement of the paper (it’s a good start, but only a start). Your research was supposed to support broader significance, not personal significance as well.

17 hours ago

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